A MarySue Just For You!
by Rainfelt aka Phoe-chan
Summary: A MarySue to outdo all MarySues. And you thought it couldn't get this low. Complete with plotholes, OOC characters, cheesy romance scenes, fangirl japanese and a pointless character death! And now, Sasuke narrates!
1. Liek, teh first chapter!

**AN:** As I've said time and time again, I should NOT be starting a new fiction. But after lurking about for some good Naruto fictions that I've not read, I nearly pulled my hair out at some of the stories posted on here. From badly written self-inserts to OCXNaruto-Character pairings to summaries that just make you NOT want to click on the link and then finally to poorly written works or sick stuff like incest, rape, etc. I'm not a fan of incest or rape in the slightest because I know people who've been victims of both and it's not funny nor is it appealing. It's just sick. Forgive my miniature rant but I just needed to get that out of my system before I post this fiction.

Anyway, this fiction was a spawn of boredom, late-night hours, radiation from my laptop screen, crying from my unfruitful search for good fics and silly putty. Yes, silly putty. A bash to all those horrible Mary-Sue's, self-inserts, hideous plots with loopholes the size of Texas and the ruining of canon characters via pointless OOC-ness.

Now, when I was a starting writer, I didn't know the "laws" of fanfiction writing, but I could use common sense. This is to all those horribly written fanfictions out there from those of us with a brain. Enjoy!

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**A Mary-Sue Just For You!**

_Liek, Teh First Chapter._

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It was just a normal day for a girl named Fred. She had just came home from school, a horrid place where nobody really liked her or understood her or knew that she even existed. She was in the middle of popping a zit in front of the bathroom mirror when she found herself falling...

And she hit the bathroom floor with a loud crash.

After disentangling herself from the toilet-bowl scrub-brush, the towel rack, and a shelf of hair-care products, Fred emerged from the bathroom pulling cue-tips out of her hair. Sighing to herself dramatically, a pout on her not-so-pretty features, she opened up the cabinet and fumbled around for something to eat.

Ah! In the very back was an old cup of instant ramen. Immediately Fred thought of Naruto, her favourite anime obsession, what with all the cute pre-pubescent boys cutting each other up with pointy objects. A giggle escaped her lips as she pulled open the lid (which was faded to yellow) and turned the water on.

And as soon as the water hit the dried noodles, there was a FOOMPH! And Fred found herself falling again...

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It was just a normal day for Hatake Kakashi when all of the sudden the skies opened up and spat out a teenage girl into his arms. He blinked, trying to remember when he ordered take-out. The girl looked up at him with beautiful purple eyes, long eyelashes fluttering as she tried to figure out where she was. Then, when she saw who was holding her, she blinked, squealed and immediately attached herself to Kakashi, screaming something to the effect of "OMGWTFBBQ I'VE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN!"

And as Kakashi was trying to pry the girl off his leg with a crowbar, his thoughts ran along the line of "Oh God, I've died and gone to the depths of hell."

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Tsunade was looking over paperwork. Wait, scratch that. Tsunade had paperwork out on her desk but it was not priority. Her current interest was the stack of scratch cards in her hands. One of these had to be the lucky one. She just knew it.

Of course, her quest for money was interrupted when Kakashi came barging into the office, steam emitting from his ears and his clothes in tangles. And if she wasn't imagining it, she could have swore there was lipstick on Kakashi's mask and he smelled faintly of lilacs, plumeria, raspberries, apples, pine needles, garlic, herbal essences and burnt rubber. She blinked, wondering how she distinguished all those scents apart, but shrugged it off, figuring it was merely a hokage trait.

"And to what do I owe this dramatic entrance, Kakashi?" She inquired, sliding her scratch cards under a stack of genin IQ tests.

Kakashi seemed out of breath. He inhaled deeply before grounding out, "I need something surgically removed."

Tsunade arched a brow, motioning for him to go on. Sucking up his pride, Kakashi turned around, and pointed to the clinging girl attached to his ass. "GET IT OFF OF ME."

Tsunade gasped, standing up. "You brought it in here?! You know the protocol! Dear God, I'm going to need this entire place quarantined and sanitized!"

Punching some buttons on her intercom, Tsunade shouted, "Get me two squads of ANBU in here! We got a code pink emergency!"

There was sputtering on the other line before someone squeaked out an OK. Outside, an alarm sounded through Konoha. Screams were heard and slams as people began boarding up their houses, locking the good-looking boys and men in their rooms, each with a sniper rifle and a katana specifically used for committing seppuku.

And just as Kakashi was experiencing his own "1000 Years of Pain", there was a blinding flash, that signaled a plothole was about to take place.

Waiting...

Waiting...

Waiting some more...

Go ahead and take a bathroom break...

And... Bam!

Everyone blinked, finding out that 16 hours had passed, Tsunade had missed the latest episode of Desperate Housewives and Kakashi was in the hospital, diagnosed with suffering from a severe case of hemorrhoids.

What they didn't know was they had been brainwashed and now the only memory of the little girl named Fred was that she was an adorable girl who looked so frail and that she needed to be protected because Akatsuki and Orochimaru wanted her for only God knows what. Wait, that wasn't a memory. That was just complete bullshit.

Ah, well. It gets the point across.

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Fred was wandering around, looking at all the shops---wait. Fred. Teenage girl from Fangirl land. Wants to hump Kakashi's leg. OK, let's do the calculations. Calculators...! Fred plus Teenage girl plusFangirl Landmultiplied byKakashi's Leg equals: Error. Calculator Cannot Comprehend.

Err, yes. Fred was looking for sexy pre-teen genins and their post-20's instructors. Surely they wouldn't be too hard to find. After all Konoha didn't look so big in the anime....

Though she wasn't thinking this after 26 streets, 45 buildings and one partridge in a pear tree.

She sighed and looked down right before she collided with someone, sending her falling on her butt. She looked up, and lo and behold, there stood Hyuuga Neji, his long hair blowing in the wind that was not present, his silver eyes shining under the moonlight of lunch hour and such flawless skin that one could come to only one conclusion.

Cell shading.

His scowl suddenly melted as he looked into the cerulean blue eyes of the girl sitting below him, sprawled out like a whore at a brothel. Giving the Hyuuga Trademark Smile (TM), he scooped her up in his arms, twirled around three times and then set her down. "Are you all right? Did my manly physique and broad chest with a six-pack as hard as rock hurt you when you collided into me like the clumsy fool you are? Should I frisk you for broken bones?"

She was about to reply when suddenly there was an explosion as a giant killer rabbit summon began to ransack the village. Neji pushed Fred behind him as he prepared to fight. Yet, somehow, he was knocked unconscious when the rabbit glared at him. Alone and in the path of the deadly creature, Fred trembled, hands coming up to her face. What was she to do? Little Ol' Fred...

Glancing over at Neji, she sniffled, and then remembered that she was from Fangirl land. And you know what this means?

She stomped in front of the rabbit, put her hands on her hips and narrowed her onyx-colored eyes, pretty pink and purple chakra with sparkles swirling around her. "I won't back down! That is my ninja way, dattebayo!"

OMG A CLIFFHANGER!!!

_To be continued...!_

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**AN:** Now that I think about it, I should've added some more fangirl Japanese... but eh, I'm too lazy to go back and insert it. So far it's as cheesy as I'd like to be, but mebbe I can fix it later.

It's going to get worse and more typical Mary-Sueish but I wanna work on my other fics that are in dire need of updating. And I'm gonna make it strictly anime-based since a lot of the MS fics I seem to find, the writers are only familiar with the anime (normally dubbed if available). I have nothing wrong with the anime; it's really good, but I'm a big manga fan myself.

Anyway, reviews are appreciated. If you wanna see something stupid happen, lemme know and I might be able to work it in.

Always a pleasure,

_Phoe-chan_


	2. Chappie Too

Leik omgwftbqq so many reviews u luv me!12432! 

Seriously-Sorry it took so long to update. Mary-Sues scare me so much that I was scarred by my own fic.

And kinda off-subject but I wanted to thank you all so much...

You are on the favorites list of 164 members. You are on the author alert watch list of 226 members.

That really, really makes me feel good about myself when I have my down moments. Thank you all.

Now... onward with the eyesores!

**Disclaimer:** IF I OWNED IT NARUCHANANDSAKURAWOULDGETMARRIEDSOICOULDHAVESASUKEALLTOMYSELF!

:wince: Ouch.

**A Mary-Sue Just for You**

_Chapter Too: Caplock and Fangirl Japanese._

* * *

So, like, the giant hamster was wrecking the village. Who cares if it was a giant rabbit last chapter, it's a giant hamster this chapter n' if you dun't like it then go back to your little world where Mary-Sue fics are tortured. Psh. 

So! Where were we? Oh, yes. Fred was about to kick ass!

OK, folks. You can stop laughing now.

...No, really. Shut up.

Anywayz, the pretty sparkly chakra swirling around Fred was getting the hamster dizzy and thus she had time to prepare for her attack. Holding her hands together in the puppy seal, she concentrated then shouted, "WATERY-EYES NO JUTSU, MAKEUP!"

With some flashy light-work, sounds and impossible positions that should only be used in a shoujo manga where transformations take four to eight minutes depending on what level they're advancing to, Fred reappeared in some skimpy fishnet ninja outfit with some strange tiara on her head and platformed ninja-shoes. Who cared if there were no such thing as platformed ninja-shoes? She had them.

She pointed a gloved finger at the giant hamster that had sprouted wings at some point during the transformation. Probably the side effect of being around the glittery lights. "OMAE O KOROSU DATTEBAYO!"

Ah. Heero Yuy meets Uzumaki Naruto. Now that's a match made in heaven if I've ever seen one. Almost as good as FFX's Auron and Shino being separated at birth, but I digress.

Suddenly, from hammerspace, she whipped out a giant fan, much like Temari's, but with pretty tassles and flowers on it. Also looked like there was some scribble akeen to "I heart Gai," but we can't really tell and we don't want to assume too much because our little minds can only handle so much. We don't even want Gai to make an appearance. It's not that we don't like Gai, but really folks, Gai and a Mary-Sue in the same fiction? Hell, in the same chapter? Wait, even in the same sentence! Please, don't make me cry!

Oh, wait. I went off on another tangent again. And to think I'm failing trig. It'd help if I did my homework but that requires opening a book and you see...

Damnit, did it again.

With moves that could only be aquired by years of Dance Dance Revolution, dodging bodyguards in an attempt to snag Orlando Bloom's autograph and evading brats she was babysitting from pulling her hair, Fred advanced, swinging the fan around like there was no tomorrow.

Might have helped a bit if she had thought to open it. And by the time she did think of it, she found that not only was she facing the giant hamster that was resembling more of a unicorn now but that her fan was stuck closed.

So she began to beat the hamster with it. "TAKE THIS! AND THAT! AND THIS! AND THAT! AND THIS! AND THAT AND THIS AND THATANDTHISANDTHATAND...

You get the picture.

Anyway, she was apparently running out of chakra-which was probably because 1) she wasn't a damn ninja in the first place and 2) she used up most of it in her wonderful display of colors, sparkles, and subliminal messages involving Herbal Essenses and orgasmic, err, organic pleasure.

And just as she couldn't hold up her katana anymore... What? How did she get a katana? It morphed. Duh! Where is your Mary-Sue knowledge? Psh. Amateur. Anywayz, just as the giant hamster-turned unicorn with paws tried to squish her flat there was a cry of "CHIDORI!" and the hamster found that it was missing a few legs. And then it poofed! And it was gone.

Fred looked up to see the symbol of the Uchiha clan on his back. He turned around and looked at her, sharingan eyes gleaming. He smirked at her.

Then he did what we could only imagine in depths of our most horrid nightmares...

He gave the Gai grin and thumbs up. Accompanied by the signature "ping!" of his grin as well as the background of the waves splashing on the rocks behind him.

Screams were heard in the distance. Whether they were squeals of joy from Gai and Lee or squeals of horror from the other genin, we're not sure. But either way, it wasn't a good thing. (AN: oh! hey! I just thought of something! lolz! don't u think its wierd naruto is the same age as sasuke and sakura altho he failed 2 times? i just thought of that! lolz!)

Hehe, sorry. Let's get back to teh story!

Sasuke sashayed up to Fred, and yes, we mean sashayed. As in, swinging his hips in a manner that only an Uchiha could do. Must have copied it with the sharigan.

"WAH! SUGOI! KAWAII KAWAII! SASUKE-CHAN IS HERE!"

It was then that Sasuke was knocked back to reality and we were never happier to see himself back to normal than right now. Immediately he went on defense, staring at her. Damnit! Would Orochimaru quit sending these horrible genjutsu attacks on him? I mean, Itachi murdering his clan was bad enough, and Kakashi molesting him was even worse but now **THIS**? Sasuke wanted to cry.

He flipped his hands through the seals and blew fire from his mouth with the "Art of the Phoenix Flower: The Touch-Me-Not!".

And as he did, the authoress cried and rocked back and forth in the corner, cursing the day that Viz dared to release the Naruto manga in America with such horrid translations. She still suffers nightmares of "Me and My Shadow".

Anyway, as much as we were begging Sasuke to toast the horrid thing in front of him, somehow, magically, it bounced off of her and instead decided to barbeque the legs of the hamster-rabbit-unicorn thing that had been left behind.

After the smoke died down, Sasuke and Fred stared at the legs in front of them.

"I hear hamster tastes like chicken."

"Really? I hear unicorn tastes like ramen."

And there was an orange and blue blur as Sasuke and Fred were tossed into the air. After they landed, managed to untangle themselves from the compromising and physically impossible position they were in, they saw that the legs were gone.

And somewhere in Konoha, someone with a very childish voice was screaming "**_IT DOES NOT TASTE LIKE RAMEN!"_**

_Tsuzukukuerufu..._

:D :D :D :D :D :D

**AN:** I knew being half awake was good for something. I'm not even going to bother to proofread because it'll just work better in my favor. That's what I love about this fic.

And I really do wanna cry from the horrid names the jutsus are given in the american version of Naruto. Really, Art of the Valentine? Why don't we just put Ino in Sailor Venus' outfit and let her panty-flash Shikamaru and Chouji every time she appears in a scene.

Argh.

Enjoy.

_Phoe-chan_


	3. chappie 3 or is it 24? hm

**AN: **omgoshes u r so mean!11! this is my fic and i can do what i want! 

Which sadly means that I'm willingly subjecting myself to brain damage. Ah, well. Had to happen sometime.

To a few reviewers:

**nscangal:** yes, Desperate Situation must be capitalized.

**Gravity's Addicted:** You read a fic with Auron and Shino in it? Oh, my God. They do exist! (faints)

**Darksbane:** OMG I've not heard from you in forever. When I got your review I was like "Whoa! Wrong section!" But serious, I don't even both going to the J&D section anymore. I thought about updating one of my fics by redoing it but I don't need people accusing me of my character being a MS. I'll stay far, far away!

And the rest of you: Thanks so much for your comments! I'm so glad you enjoyed. :)

This chapter is going to be in Sasuke's POV. Just for added fun.

_A Mary-Sue Just for You... don't you feel speshul?_

_Chapter 3...or maybe it's 2.4 ...Hmm..._

Oh, wait I forgot the disclaimer didn't I? I like, so own, like whatever...

I have never, in my 12 years of existence (Or is it 15? When the hell is this fic set in the timeline anyway?), been interested in girls. I'm not saying I'm gay, no, because I'm not interested in guys, either. I'm not asexual in the sense that I'm lacking the goods because, let me tell you, I'm blessed for a pre-teen if I must say so myself.

I know eventually I'll have to repopulate the clan which requires getting knocked up but I have a few years to wait. But then... I met her.

Or rather, I saved her from impending doom involving a giant thingymabob and found myself smitten. Hell, I didn't even know that 'smitten' was in my vocabulary. I even keep getting told that my bloodline limit is not the sharingan but rather is, in a dubbed voice, the "Eye of DOOM." Yes, with capital letters. Somehow, I think they're out to get me. (1)

But, back to the subject at hand. She was... beautiful. Her legs were long, like a giraffe's (Do we have giraffes around here? I think they're in the Grass country...) but they were soft and smooth, like... I dunno, I suck at analogies for Pete's sake. She had a chest that could suffocate a man and her hair kept changing colors. I liked that. That was kinda cool.

I asked her her name. At first I thought she said Fred. But then, I found out her name was really "Jezabelle Merida Fredrico Von Paxil." I had trouble pronouncing the L's.

When I asked her where she was from, she gave me this dramatic story that somehow ended up completely opposite of what she started with. I think the jist of it was "I'm stuck here, there are sexy adolescent men all around, and I will secretly end up being stronger than you and bed you when you're vulnerable and not looking."

Or maybe I was just hearing things. Being mentally unstable does that to a person. She gave me this sweet smile that could give cavities which reminded me again why I hated sweets. Flipping her neon green hair with orange highlights over her shoulder she took my arm and smiled prettily up at me. "Why, Sasuke-kun, you saved me! How can I ever repay you?"

Now normally, I hate it when girls cling to me. I mean, really, people, do I look like a damn window for cling-ons? But with ...this girl whose name was giving me a headache, I didn't seem to mind. In fact... I smiled.

Which was so totally not my fault, by the way. She probably hit a nerve or something.

By then, I realized there was an unconscious Hyuuga at my feet. I gave him a nudge with my foot. "Hey. Get up."

He gave me the finger.

Prick.

I shrugged and tugged what's-her-name along and it wasn't 2.526 seconds later I was thrown against the wall and my spot was occupied by Neji. The bastard had the gall to look bashful! He even SHUFFLED his FEET! And the words out of his mouth, Oh, my God there was going to be a cat fight.

"Here, I got this for you; will you go on a date with me?"

I don't know where the hell he got it, since he was just unconscious on the ground a moment ago but he produced a teddy bear with a heart in its paws and handed it to her. It even had one of those cute little messages on the heart! I made a face as I read the mushy little line.

"Shit bitch, you is fine."

Suck-up.

I stood up, dusted myself off, pulled out a mirror to make sure my hair was still pretty and then walked up to Neji and pushed him. "You did NOT just try to take my girl away from me."

"I don't see your name on her anywhere! And I asked her out first!"

"Oh you did NOT just go there!" I shouted, snapping my fingers in a "Z" formation.

"So what if I did?" Neji retorted, putting his hands on his hips.

"We'll settle this the old-fashioned way..."

"...Ten paces, turn and shoot?"

"Um, no, we're going to beat the shit out of each other."

"That works, too."

We stared each other down and then activated our bloodlines.

"Byakugan!"

"Sharingan!"

"Prettigan!"

What. The. Fuck.

I looked over and there she is with pink eyes that have a star shaped pattern around the pupil. Eyeliner included.

She's still not prettier than me, though.

I'm the prettiest.

"No, I am, bitch!"

"Shut up, Hyuuga."

End of teh Chaptuuurrr.

**(1)** - A friend of mine and I were talking about the potential horrors of the dubbed Naruto anime and he stated that Kakashi would be Professor Karate and the sharingan would be the Eye of DOOM. I laughed so hard I cried.

Hope you all, like, enjoyed.

The "shit-bitch" bear actually exists, too, btw.

Phoe-chan


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